Questions

I woke up from a difficult night of sleep feeling tired and somewhat discouraged. I was having some internal conflicts with God - regarding my sleep, regarding the deep suffering we are witnessing, regarding my call as a physician etc. Not to mention our water in the house is out and Josef has Bell's palsy (good news is it rained some last night and I think we have some rain water in our tank that can be transferred to the house). Devotions this morning was perfect for me - Dr. Rhodes taught from Psalm 13. We see David ask questions in the Psalms - deep, conflicting questions. Three times in the beginning of Psalm 13 we see David ask "How long, O Lord?" David is having an internal conflict with wondering where God is in his pain. David cries out "Consider and answer me, O Lord my God." The interesting thing is that there is no answer given. Instead there is a resolution by David..

"But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. 

I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me."

David is comforted not by answers from God, but by God Himself. God warrants our trust because of who He is and who we are not. God warrants our trust because of what He has done. I left devotions choosing to rejoice, choosing to sing because God has dealt bountifully with me. 

The other thing that has helped me as I wrestle with the natural questions arising from disparity is a book I am reading. In the chapter on "Why Does a Good God Allow Evil and Suffering" it encourages us to be ok living without an answer. Saying that this "brings our very finiteness to the surface of our souls and reminds us we are not God." It equates the insistence for an answer to idolatry, and says that only when we let go of our demand for intellectual satisfaction are we "set free to seek God for comfort, hope, healing, peace and salvation." I will say that between the US and Kenya I understand the prayer of Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 "Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is my portion, that I not be full and deny You and say, 'Who is the Lord?' or that I not be in want and steal, and profane the name of my God.'"

 You can see Josef's asymmetric smile from his Bell's palsy - he is otherwise acting normal - pray that his symptoms resolve quickly and don't get worse.

View out of the female medical ward during rounds today.